January 11, 2013

The Story of Alex


The story of Alex: from my point of view.

My senior year I began dating my husband. We had a long journey ahead, but we knew we were meant to be together. Its been a rough road at times... really rough.. This is the story of one of those really bumpy roads..

About a year after we got together we moved to Wisconsin to stay with his brother. That led to Joe and I breaking up for a few months and went our separate ways. Joe went back to New Hampshire and I went to Texas. Shortly after we reconciled, we were informed that a woman Joe had slept with during our separation  was pregnant. She suspected Joe was the father. It was an incredible blow to both of us, in different ways of course. I had already suffered a miscarriage in the beginning of our relationship. It was not easy, but I had to make a decision. I decided to stay with him. In November 1995 Alex was born. A few months later Joe was asked to take a paternity test. Which really wasn't needed. The boy was an almost exact replica of his dad. This of course was very trying for Joe and I and the years that followed were very hard. We lived in Texas, Alex in New Hampshire. Joe had traveled up at times to NH to visit Alex. He struggled with the notion of doing what was right, and being a husband and father to this family, and being with me, who he truly loved. It took me many years to understand this. It was a lot of emotional pain for both of us, for a long while. I can not imagine his struggle. This is his child. During this time, I suffered a second miscarriage  It was the most devastating experience of my life to this day. Not only was I feeling the loss of the man I loved with all my heart, now I was dealing with the fact I may never carry a child. The doctors had chalked it up to endometreosis, and after my 2nd miscarriage, it was discovered I was also RH-.

 It wasn't till the fall of 1997 that I agreed to move to New Hampshire so Joe could have a relationship with Alex. Things were rough. Alex had a very bad home life and that was the only thing that gave me comfort in my decision. Alex NEEDED us. I admit I was extremely hurt and jealous, of her.  Alex and I took to each other quite well. He filled a void I had. Several people would tell me stories of evil step moms, but I did not feel that way. My maternal instinct was very strong. He was my husbands* son.  I was  not the only one with jealousy issues. Alex's mother began to make things difficult for us and into custody court we went. Visitations became a power struggle, the mother would not be home when we came, or not have Alex ready. We bought Alex everything he needed to be with us, so we no longer had to rely on her for his belongings.
 *(we were not married till years later, but I refer to him as my husband because that is how I see him, then and now)

We spent 2 years in New Hampshire/Vermont. In that time we developed a great relationship with Alex and I was finally able to carry a child to term. I gave birth to Jacob in December 1998. Shortly after Jacobs birth, we decided to head back south where we had a stable income. We had planned to bring Alex, but the last moment, his mother opposed. Our goal was to get settled and go back to court. It didn't take that long.. Within a month, she called and sent Alex on a plane to live with us.
Me, Alex and Joe


Alex and Jacob when Jacob was born. Urijah looks just like him

Jacob and Alex

Alex and Joe spent a lot of time traveling back and forth to visit Alex's mom. It took a toll on our family. We now had a second child, another son. We finally decided, the summer before Alex was to start kindergarten that we were not going to do that anymore. So Alex and Joe stayed the summer with us. It was the last few weeks of summer when Joe's mother called and begged for us to send Alex up there to see her at least. She even offered to pay the plane ticket. Joe agreed and sent Alex on a plane to New Hampshire. That was August 2001. We never saw him again............

We got a call and Alex arrived safely and was having fun. Things were going good. Little did we know about the plot that was boiling. A few days later we got a phone call from their attorney. Joe's uncle had petitioned for an emergency custody hearing... in New Hampshire at 2pm EST  that day. Let me remind you that we were in Texas and the call came in at 10 am CST. this gave us 3 hrs to get Joe to the airport, on a plane and into the courtroom. The judge granted custody by default and Alex went to live with his great uncle and his wife.

We got notice of another custody hearing to finalize it all. But there was no way we could attend. The cost of travel and court fees was more than we could bear. Joe made several pleas to the courts but they went unheard. It didn't matter. The judge had already made his decision. Joe's appearance by phone call was just not enough. The State of New Hampshire took away Joe's paternal rights, based on nothing more than hearsay. ( edited 11/18/16- heresay and default, as Joe not being there solidified the decision)

So what was all this about you ask. Joe's mother, brother, uncle, grandmother,cousin all got on the stand and told of horrible stories of abuse. All the ways Alex was mis-treated. Their testimony, some even quietly admitted to purgery years later, gave the State of New Hampshire all they needed to take away Joe's parental rights.

Its only fair to note two things here. Prior to Alex leaving Texas, the state where he was in fact residing, Social Services interviewed both Joe and Alex based on an "anonymous" phone call they received. They had no findings and we received a letter stating their investigation was dismissed. New Hampshire how ever, never did conduct and investigation. Other than that interview no one ever came to the home after the allegations from NH surfaced. While that may be disturbing to you, what you may find more disturbing is this. We had two other children in the home. If Joe and I had been the people they described on the witness stand. Such abusive and vile people that they deemed fit to take Joe's son from him then why would they put those other two children in jeopardy? Why was no one looking out for the welfare of those two little boys? Its simple.. Everyone one involved, from the family, to the lawyers, to the State itself, knew those children were not in danger.. They knew the allegations were false. If only I had known the law better.. If only I had had the gusto I do now...If only we had more money... I will spend forever saying.... If only..

Things started to look up, or so we thought. We were able to speak to Alex on his birthday and again at Christmas,. This of course was only to make us aware of all the material items this child now possessed. and to buy them a bit of time.

Joe and I had called and spoken to a few attorneys about the case but none would touch it with out a large retainer. Joe had began to slip into a depression and no longer allowed me to speak of the situation. He became a very angry man. Every so often I would try to make contact. I'd send certified letters which were returned. I'd call the State of NH and try to see what we could do. This usually would drive Joe into a deeper depression. I still made my bi annual calls but without Joe there was little I could do. It was a very trying time for me.. Joe was starting to become the man they accused him of.

I cant recall the dates or specifics, that is for Joe to tell, but one day he decided to give all his anger over to God. I do not know how, because I have not been able to. Not fully. I want to. I want to let go of it. I just have not been able to.

We also gave up the fight as we knew it.. We knew at this point there was no undoing what had been done and now it was our job to wait.   For several years after that I continued to make my phone calls regarding Alex's new living situation. It was not ideal and in fact, border lined the type of situation which would require the state to remove a child from custody. I find it quite ironic that they would not even investigate based on my phone calls as I did not actually see these "events". This is the same type of "hearsay" they used to take him in the first place.

We have tried in recent years to make amends with the family. We have told them that it is not our intention to create division. We only want to be able to reestablish a relationship with Alex. That in the end they can still be the good guys. They cant hide him forever. This is their chance. He has 9 siblings here who know about him. Two that remember him. Its hardest on Jacob.. He was 3 when Alex was taken. For years I protected those involved. He knows the truth of it all. He is also patient. He knows he will see Alex again someday.

As for those involved, well they know Karma quite well. She has them on speed dial.  I wont get into the nitty gritty because its not something I feel I need to disclose. I will say that my last phone conversation with the State of New Hampshire, they actually called me this time,  I told them I am on record warning them for years. This is now on their head.

Alex turned 17 a few months go. We know the day will come when he wants to find dad. Even if its to "kick his ass" as some have put it. The truth never stays covered for long. My heart breaks for him.. To have a family who loves you so much and to not know they even exist or that they care so much about you. I am also saddened by the thought of the loss he will feel when he knows the people he cares about most lied to him for so long. I have seen a few recent photos I have been able to snag. He looks terribly sad. You can see the emptyness in his eyes. In 10 months he turns 18. I get anxious thinking about it. I hope he is able to find it in his heart to contact us. I wish he knew how much we love and miss him.

The irony in all of this, is that several years ago, the custodial uncle lost everything. His job, his home,... It was at this point, he went to the state to get welfare for Alex.. The state then began to come after us for support. Joe is required to pay money to the man who unlawfully legally stole his son. This sounds like something the mob would do. Kidnapping and ransom.

I have had this blog post in draft mode for 2 years. I have written and re-written it a gazillion times. I never had the courage to publish it. Fearful of indulging our most private matters, fearful of judgement. Fearful of putting my heart out there like this.. I still cry when I tell the story.

But I feel I had to. I feel I need to share my story. I hear so often about how innocent people have nothing to worry about. How if you just comply, things will be fine..

Don't be so sure.

*All critical, negative, insulting comments for this post will not be approved from anonymous posters. If you wish to leave such a comment, please sign in to one of the accounts available.

Edited to add:

19 comments:

  1. Sadly, my husband has a similar story...At 3 his daughter was adopted by a family member of the mother. He signed the papers because they told him they would put him in jail because he had no "proof" of child support. He and the mother had lived together--some of the time with other family--they were both very young having not even completed HS. He has the birth records and the birth mother used his last name during this time which in this state made them common law married...He had no "receipts" for things he had purchased...When they broke up she took the child and moved away making it difficult for him to see her...Anyway, after the adoption the birth mother still saw the daughter but he was denied any contact. They have done a good job of poisoning her against him because even though he has always want to see her when she turned 18 we contacted her and she will not agree to any contact...sad, but like you I have decided you just have to leave it in God's hands.

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  2. Hugs....maybe somehow he will see this....and k ow he is loved and know how to find you.....maybe that is why you haven't posted in two years....timing....gods timing......(((hugs honey))......my heart breaks for you.....

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  3. It's so terribly sad. I am sorry about this happening to you all. Just think positive - keep up hope you will see him. Thanks for sharing.

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  4. I think my heart just broke for you. I am so sorry. My prayers are with you.

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  5. oh. my. goodness.

    I am so sorry you all have had to deal with this. It's not right. I hate how a father's rights are just flippantly treated by the court systems. I can't imagine ripping a child from y'all's home and putting them into an abusive one. How could they?!?!?!? You're spot on about it being "kidnapping and ransom". That's exactly, EXACTLY what it is...

    Hopefully he can be reconciled when he's free of his captors. I'll pray for him when I pray for you all, that he will want to come home, that he can be assured how much of what he's been told is a lie - and here's to hoping that the whole "kicking dad's ass" thing was a lie by a relative.

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  6. So why post as Anonymous? If you have something to say, then put your name behind it.
    Sorry, I know I shouldn't feed the troll...

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    1. I knew better than to open it up to anonymous posters. However, I find it odd that this person feels this angrily about us, but is watching my blog so closely they comment on this particular post just hours after it was posted. Seems to me, its just someone looking to make trouble. A true stalker. They are cowards that is why they posted anonymously. I am sure their next attack is calling CPS.. That the tool best used when you have no real argument. It happens a lot.

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  7. This is a very sad story. I look very much forward to the day I get to see my adorable little newphew, all grown up. How much I have missed, but I pray he knows who the good guys are! Could you forward me the pictures you came across? Hugs from NH.

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  8. Thank you for sharing the story about the hole in your hearts. I know how hard this situation is for you esp when so called "family" is the cause of the issues..
    I pray one day Alex will look you all up and ask for the real story and be part of your family once again..

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  9. Nicole, I know I have already shared my thoughts on this with you, but I just cannot read this again without offering hugs one more time. I hope Alex finds you guys and can become a part of your lives soon.

    Love,
    Aunt Cathy

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  10. And now that you have put it out there, you will begin to heal. Love ya'll.

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  11. I still have pics of Alex, when we all went on a bluebonnet drive. I thi nk of him whenever I look at Urijah!

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  12. Wow! I find it odd that they took Joe's parental rights away and then years later want him to pay child support, that doesn't seem right. What they want their cake and eat it too? I don't see how they get to have it both ways. What an ordeal for you all!!!

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  13. I hope that the one silver lining to this whole mess is that Alex sees the lies he's been fed and reunites with your family. I also hope they finish their investigation quickly and you get your kids back and your life is better after this nightmare. Praying for you.

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  14. God Bless You for loving this boy [in spite of the circumstances] and awaiting his freedom so that you can finally be a family. Know that this will happen and that "... I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten, the canker-worm, and the caterpillar, and the palmerworm, my great army which I sent among you. (Joel 2:25)."

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  15. My family is going through a similar situation right now, only it is my parents who are trying to steal my daughter. She went to visit them in another state and then they turned around and started filing false allegations against us. We were cleared by evidence in our own state but the state she is in right now wouldn't accept the decision. My parents opened a second false allegation and now they have taken temporary custody of my child with my parents approved as foster. My attorney even found out that my parents are facing foreclosure! They are trying to get money from the state any way they can and they are doing it by false allegations! We must keep believing that everything will work out, we must be patient. Keep your head up.

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  16. As an adpotee...unfortunately Alex will have many issues...hopefully he will re-unite with his father and you. It won't be easy and I'm sure there will be therapy needs. God bless you all!

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